After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Anywhere but here
Today is just one of those days where I wish I was anywhere else. It's a dreary, rainy, cool day. Not that this is any differen't from any other day at work, since there are no windows in my office--but it just FEELS different. I know it's rainy and dreary, and there are so many places I'd rather be. So many scenarios sound so much more soothing than sitting here, trudging through the rest of this day.
I do like my job. However, we have been through THREE crazy receptionists in the past six months (maybe less). The third one left last week, so that leaves Laura and myself to do our own work (of which there is plenty), and another person's job as well. It's just TIRING!
So...what would I like to be doing right now?
I was thinking earlier that today would be the PERFECT day to get into my PJs, under an electric blanket, and watch movies on the couch.
But you know what? I thought about that some more, and realized that today would have been a perfect mommy-Kaydie day. We could have done so many different things. We could have played games, had breakfast, watched Yo Gabba Gabba, went for a walk at the mall and people-watched, visited the indoor playground or the indoor pool, gone to story time and Barnes and Noble...
I know how lucky she is to be taken care of by her Grandmother. I know she's probably done one of those several things right now...I just wish I could be doing them with her.
That brings me to my next point, as far-fetched as it may be. I really think that to some extent, being a stay-at-home-mom (or dad for that matter) should be a paying job so that more people could do it. Isn't there something to say for the relationships children form with their mothers and fathers when they spend the greater part of the day with one another? I just feel that if more children spent all day getting unconditional love from their parents, maybe they wouldn't be so apt to discover the roughness of life at such a long age. Maybe they could retain their innocence a little longer. Complete strangers get paid to take care of our children...why can't we?
I guess I also have a hard time knowing that even if it is her Grandma, someone else is hearing her laugh, and someone else is wiping away her tears, and someone else is holding her and hugging her while I trudge through the day here at work...
Gosh, why am I so emotional!
I do like my job. However, we have been through THREE crazy receptionists in the past six months (maybe less). The third one left last week, so that leaves Laura and myself to do our own work (of which there is plenty), and another person's job as well. It's just TIRING!
So...what would I like to be doing right now?
I was thinking earlier that today would be the PERFECT day to get into my PJs, under an electric blanket, and watch movies on the couch.
But you know what? I thought about that some more, and realized that today would have been a perfect mommy-Kaydie day. We could have done so many different things. We could have played games, had breakfast, watched Yo Gabba Gabba, went for a walk at the mall and people-watched, visited the indoor playground or the indoor pool, gone to story time and Barnes and Noble...
I know how lucky she is to be taken care of by her Grandmother. I know she's probably done one of those several things right now...I just wish I could be doing them with her.
That brings me to my next point, as far-fetched as it may be. I really think that to some extent, being a stay-at-home-mom (or dad for that matter) should be a paying job so that more people could do it. Isn't there something to say for the relationships children form with their mothers and fathers when they spend the greater part of the day with one another? I just feel that if more children spent all day getting unconditional love from their parents, maybe they wouldn't be so apt to discover the roughness of life at such a long age. Maybe they could retain their innocence a little longer. Complete strangers get paid to take care of our children...why can't we?
I guess I also have a hard time knowing that even if it is her Grandma, someone else is hearing her laugh, and someone else is wiping away her tears, and someone else is holding her and hugging her while I trudge through the day here at work...
Gosh, why am I so emotional!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The hardest thing...
This past weekend was the bachelorette party of one of my good friends in Atlantic City. This meant a weekend away from Kaydence. I've only been away from her overnight twice, but never for two nights at once.
The bachelorette party was fun ,but I just missed my daughter. It wasn't like I was out with other married women with children who could empathize, either. (These are my best friends...bridesmaids, and college roommates. They're all still single though, and don't have children). It's really hard to verbalize how much you can miss your child...you just FEEL it. I'm sure other parents "get it" but I just can't explain an ache that I don't have words for...
It was just the random times that I thought of her that got to me. For one, at her bedtime, I was sad that I wasn't in there doing our nighttime silly routine, tickling her feet and making her laugh. In the middle of the night I woke up looking for the baby monitor like I always do. In the morning I just wanted to go in and see her stand up, stretch out her arms, and say "Mommy!" like she always does.
The killer, though, was Sunday morning. On the way back with the girls, we stopped for breakfast. I swear, it was toddler day. I was walking to the restroom, and I saw all of the babies, and one little girl in particular in a highchair with the same white-blonde hair as Kaydie...and I just lost it. I teared up and started to cry because I just wanted to hold my little girl.
I mean, of course we all need some time away to ourselves. I miss my girlfriends dearly, and enjoyed every minute with them. I guess I just never realized how strong of a bond and attachment you get with a child when that child is yours. It makes you rethink your decisions almost daily. I'm still the same person, but I've got a whole new realm of concerns. Maybe I'm a bit more reserved. I do know for sure that I play things a little safer when I'm on my own. I think of her before myself, without even realizing it. I will do anything possible to ensure that I get home safely to her. That's what is most important to me now. She has opened up a whole new life to me. I just hope all of my friends get to experience this kind of love, and one day they will know what I'm talking about.
The bachelorette party was fun ,but I just missed my daughter. It wasn't like I was out with other married women with children who could empathize, either. (These are my best friends...bridesmaids, and college roommates. They're all still single though, and don't have children). It's really hard to verbalize how much you can miss your child...you just FEEL it. I'm sure other parents "get it" but I just can't explain an ache that I don't have words for...
It was just the random times that I thought of her that got to me. For one, at her bedtime, I was sad that I wasn't in there doing our nighttime silly routine, tickling her feet and making her laugh. In the middle of the night I woke up looking for the baby monitor like I always do. In the morning I just wanted to go in and see her stand up, stretch out her arms, and say "Mommy!" like she always does.
The killer, though, was Sunday morning. On the way back with the girls, we stopped for breakfast. I swear, it was toddler day. I was walking to the restroom, and I saw all of the babies, and one little girl in particular in a highchair with the same white-blonde hair as Kaydie...and I just lost it. I teared up and started to cry because I just wanted to hold my little girl.
I mean, of course we all need some time away to ourselves. I miss my girlfriends dearly, and enjoyed every minute with them. I guess I just never realized how strong of a bond and attachment you get with a child when that child is yours. It makes you rethink your decisions almost daily. I'm still the same person, but I've got a whole new realm of concerns. Maybe I'm a bit more reserved. I do know for sure that I play things a little safer when I'm on my own. I think of her before myself, without even realizing it. I will do anything possible to ensure that I get home safely to her. That's what is most important to me now. She has opened up a whole new life to me. I just hope all of my friends get to experience this kind of love, and one day they will know what I'm talking about.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Finger Painting and Crayons
As I was walking around Target today (just once today...be proud!), I was thinking about some new activities to try with Kaydence. Dave and I both aggreed that fingerpainting might be fun. We looked through all of the art supplies, and remembered that Crayola had a set where the colors of the fingerpaint only show up on special paper. For all intents and purposes, the "paint" is clear, but when the child touches the paper, the designated color shows up! We snatched that up, and some big crayons.
All in all, it went pretty well. At first she was more interested in digging her fingers into the paints and getting huge globs, but eventually she got interested in smearing it on the paper and seeing the color come up. We probably did it for 20 minutes or so, which I figure is pretty good to keep a 14-month-old on task. I would DEFINITELY recommend this set to other parents with toddlers who want to explore their child's creative side with them, but don't want to spend the better part of the afternoon cleaning up the aftermath! :-)
All in all, it went pretty well. At first she was more interested in digging her fingers into the paints and getting huge globs, but eventually she got interested in smearing it on the paper and seeing the color come up. We probably did it for 20 minutes or so, which I figure is pretty good to keep a 14-month-old on task. I would DEFINITELY recommend this set to other parents with toddlers who want to explore their child's creative side with them, but don't want to spend the better part of the afternoon cleaning up the aftermath! :-)
Monday, August 11, 2008
Is there a such thing as an intro blog?
If so, then I guess this would be the place!
How my family became my family:
I married David on August 19th, 2006 at Penn State, where we met and fell in love and all of that sentimental stuff :-)
Kaydence Mae Smith, was born Tuesday, May 29th, 2007 at 7:48PM. 
Ever since then, there has been no looking back! Being a mother and a wife are the two most fulfilling roles I've ever played in life, and also the most challenging. When you're a mom, there are no do-overs. There is only now. You do the best you can, and you learn as you grow. In my case, I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful husband to learn and grow with. I can't wait to share our many adventures :-)
Ever since then, there has been no looking back! Being a mother and a wife are the two most fulfilling roles I've ever played in life, and also the most challenging. When you're a mom, there are no do-overs. There is only now. You do the best you can, and you learn as you grow. In my case, I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful husband to learn and grow with. I can't wait to share our many adventures :-)
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