This past weekend was the bachelorette party of one of my good friends in Atlantic City. This meant a weekend away from Kaydence. I've only been away from her overnight twice, but never for two nights at once.
The bachelorette party was fun ,but I just missed my daughter. It wasn't like I was out with other married women with children who could empathize, either. (These are my best friends...bridesmaids, and college roommates. They're all still single though, and don't have children). It's really hard to verbalize how much you can miss your child...you just FEEL it. I'm sure other parents "get it" but I just can't explain an ache that I don't have words for...
It was just the random times that I thought of her that got to me. For one, at her bedtime, I was sad that I wasn't in there doing our nighttime silly routine, tickling her feet and making her laugh. In the middle of the night I woke up looking for the baby monitor like I always do. In the morning I just wanted to go in and see her stand up, stretch out her arms, and say "Mommy!" like she always does.
The killer, though, was Sunday morning. On the way back with the girls, we stopped for breakfast. I swear, it was toddler day. I was walking to the restroom, and I saw all of the babies, and one little girl in particular in a highchair with the same white-blonde hair as Kaydie...and I just lost it. I teared up and started to cry because I just wanted to hold my little girl.
I mean, of course we all need some time away to ourselves. I miss my girlfriends dearly, and enjoyed every minute with them. I guess I just never realized how strong of a bond and attachment you get with a child when that child is yours. It makes you rethink your decisions almost daily. I'm still the same person, but I've got a whole new realm of concerns. Maybe I'm a bit more reserved. I do know for sure that I play things a little safer when I'm on my own. I think of her before myself, without even realizing it. I will do anything possible to ensure that I get home safely to her. That's what is most important to me now. She has opened up a whole new life to me. I just hope all of my friends get to experience this kind of love, and one day they will know what I'm talking about.
5 years ago