You may or may not know it, but something has been weighing heavily on my mind for months. It's been there daily-this decision that needs to be made. Just when I had "convinced" myself that I had found the right choice for me and for my family, someone flipped the switch in my head and I've gained a whole new perspective.
So what is it? What is this big choice that's been eating at me a little bit day in and day out? Don't laugh, but I've been trying to decide whether to have a repeat C-Section, or attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean).
Labor with my daughter was grueling! 23 and 1/2 hours of laboring, 2 and 1/2 hours of pushing, forecepts, and she got stuck! My temperature rose rapidly, and I had to be taken in for an emergency C-Section. I thought labor was rough, but the Cesarean was nothing short of a nightmare. I got a "high" spinal, and my lungs were paralyzed. I was in distress, nearly intibated, and my husband was taken in and out of the room-scared out of his mind. The end result, though, was a beautiful, healthy 7b 8 oz baby girl, and all was soon forgotten. Recovery itself wasn't all that bad. But the memory still sticks with me, and I swore I'd never put myself through a C-Section again if I didn't have to.
Fast forward 2 years and 3 months. My scar as all but faded, I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and facing the decision of how to have baby #2. I was all gung-ho on having a VBAC, and then I went in for my 9 week ultrasound. I love my OB-he is truly wonderful. He will support either decision I make wholeheartedly, but he gave me some startling facts. 1.5% of women hemorrhage, and a startling percentage of those, and/or their newborn babies, die. If a surgical procedure has more than a 1% chance of death, it is not allowed to even be performed. So, if my VBAC were a surgery, my doctor wouldn't even be allowed to do it-it would be too risky.
But the clincher for me was what I'd have to do in order to have the VBAC. I wouldn't mind laboring for another whole day. I wouldn't mind pushing for another 2 hours. But in order to have the VBAC, I would have to sit and write in my medical chart the following: "I, Angela Smith, understand that attempting a VBAC carries a significant risk of rupture, which could ultimately result in the death of my baby and/or me."
I tried to practice writing that today. I could not do it. Heck-I could barely even type it. My thoughts went immediately to my husband and 2-year old daughter. And now all I can think is how selfish of me that would be to rob them of a wife, mother, or sibling. I can't even remember why I cared so much about having the VBAC in the first place. Sure-I'd love to experience having a baby naturally! It would be wonderful. We're having this child because we want to expand our family-I don't want to risk taking any one piece of that away. Not after 19 months of trying, and three heartbreaking losses.
The first time around, I never thought I'd be one of the 3% of women who need an emergency Cesarean. And I don't want to even think about being the 1.5% of women who face something catastrophic from a VBAC. That chilling thought resonates within me.
I admire the women out there who try and succeed. I guess I just don't have your courage. Or maybe I just have courage of a different kind-courage to know my limits.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A much-needed weekend away!
I'm happy to say that I had a WONDERFUL weekend.
And even better, I already found out I have the day off tomorrow, as we are supposed to get several inches of snow. So my family weekend has just gotten longer!
Dave and I decided this past week that the three of us were going to get a pl
ace on the beach for the weekend and kick back for a few days and relax.
ace on the beach for the weekend and kick back for a few days and relax.The weekend started off pretty shaky. I had a procedure done on Thursday, and was feeling pretty awful Friday. Still in a lot of pain, and sick from the pain medication. I was kind of afraid I'd ruin the weekend. But we headed out of work early Friday afternoon nonetheless, and made our way down to the beach. I figured that if nothing else, it would do me some good to just sit around and relax for a few days without having to worry about anything.
The weather forecast wasn't very promising. Rain, all weekend. We didn't care though! We had a nice dinner at a Carribean Resturant on Friday night, and headed back to the condo to relax. We put Kaydie to bed, and sat out on the patio to listen to the waves and have a glass (or two) of wine.
We woke up Saturday, and it was still pretty foggy and rainy. We could see the caps of the waves, and hear them, but couldn't see much else. We sat out again, and had some coffee and just took it all in. I love the scent of the ocean!!!
Next, we headed to a seafood resturant for lunch, where I devoured more Alaskan King Crab legs than I have ever seen in my life, combined :-) Then, it was off to Fort Fisher, and the Aquarium. We thought Kaydie would like that!
Next, we headed to a seafood resturant for lunch, where I devoured more Alaskan King Crab legs than I have ever seen in my life, combined :-) Then, it was off to Fort Fisher, and the Aquarium. We thought Kaydie would like that!
To say she liked it was pretty much the understatement of the year. She had a BLAST. It was such a beautiful, cute aquarium. She just kept saying "whoa!" and "look, mommy-fishies!! Swim! Swim!" We also heard a lot of "Get IN!" (she wanted to get in the tanks, too).
We were there for hours. (How do you like the creepy picture of the fish staring at Kaydence?!?!) 
She just about fell asleep the minute we got in the car.
Next, we drove to Downtown Wilmington and figured we'd just sightsee while Kaydence napped in her carseat. After an hour or so, she woke up, and we stopped at a cute little indoor-outdoor shopping area called the Cotton Exchan
ge to get a cup of coffee and relax. After we left there, it was still raining, so I looked online and found a Monkey Joes. Dave didn't really want to go there, but once we got there, he was a bigger kid than ANYONE. He and I took turns taking Kaydie up and down the HUGE slides. She has no fear, its amazing. Here she is riding the dinosaur:
Next, we drove to Downtown Wilmington and figured we'd just sightsee while Kaydence napped in her carseat. After an hour or so, she woke up, and we stopped at a cute little indoor-outdoor shopping area called the Cotton Exchan
ge to get a cup of coffee and relax. After we left there, it was still raining, so I looked online and found a Monkey Joes. Dave didn't really want to go there, but once we got there, he was a bigger kid than ANYONE. He and I took turns taking Kaydie up and down the HUGE slides. She has no fear, its amazing. Here she is riding the dinosaur: We got some dinner, and relaxed. I was secretly a little bummed that it had rained all day, and that we hadn't gotten to take Kaydie on the beach at all. We all snuggled up and watched the little mermaid together, and headed off to bed.
I woke up this morning to the scent of coffee (mmmm). Dave had gotten up with Kaydie and let me sleep. She finally came in and said "Mommy, get UP" and I had to laugh. I got up, and had some coffee and watched the thunderstorm that had rolled in over the ocean. Looked like there was going to be no beach walking for us this weekend. However, miraculously, just as we were cleaning and packing to leave, all of the storms broke, and it cleared up. We had a beautiful view from our patio!! And we were able to take Kaydie down to the beach, after all.
And even better, I already found out I have the day off tomorrow, as we are supposed to get several inches of snow. So my family weekend has just gotten longer!
Its amazing how good it feels to just have family weekends sometimes, with no time restraints, or plans...just time spent together.
:-) I'm one happy mama!
Friday, February 13, 2009
"Leave Earlier!"
This note goes out to the girl on I-40 today, who was driving like an absolute moron! It goes a little something like this...
I don't know who you are, or rather, who you THINK you are. You must really think you're something special. You must have a great sense of entitlement to drive the way you were driving today, and to think that was actually okay.
First, you were in such a hurry to get around the truck in front of you (who by the way was doing a hearty 75MPH in the lane), that you tried to share my little lane with me, forcing me to nearly hit the cement median. Then, you threw your hands up in despair (I suppose wondering why my car and I wouldn't dissapear into thin air so you could continue over), and you sweved three lanes over to the "on-ramp". I thought you were finally a thing of the past. I thought wrong. I guess the far RIGHT lane didn't work out for you either, because two minutes later, you were behind me again. I guess I should rephrase that. You were practically in my backseat!
Newsflash...if I can see and count the hair on your upper lip in my rearview mirror, you are TOO CLOSE! (Not to mention you could use a wax-job).
Finally, you found a hole and got by. I watched you about a quarter of a mile ahead, bobbing and weaving and near-missing about fifteen to twenty other cars. The sea of red brakelights in your wake was a testement to how awful you were truly driving.
Well, little miss, here's something to think about. Judging by your blatant disregard for human safety, you've never thought about it before.
I am somebody's mother. I have a daughter who depends on me, and loves me, and looks up to me, and NEEDS me. I am somebody's wife. I am somebody's sister, somebody's daughter, and somebody's friend. Someday soon, I will be a nurse, and then I will be somebody's chance for hope. And I am not alone. Everyday, you share that same highway with thousands of people. Thousands of people who are also somebody's everything.
What gives you the right to get in your car, and drive with reckless abandon, not to mention, in the blinding Westward sunlight of a four to five lane highway?
What gives you the right to endanger so many lives? I am infuriated at your audacity. I am scared that I, or someone I love, might have to share the road with you again some day soon.
There is no need to drive like that. Again, I don't know who you are, or who you THINK you are, but if you need to get somewhere so badly, LEAVE EARLIER and respect others while you're driving.
So many people have so much to lose as a result of your careless behavior....
I don't know who you are, or rather, who you THINK you are. You must really think you're something special. You must have a great sense of entitlement to drive the way you were driving today, and to think that was actually okay.
First, you were in such a hurry to get around the truck in front of you (who by the way was doing a hearty 75MPH in the lane), that you tried to share my little lane with me, forcing me to nearly hit the cement median. Then, you threw your hands up in despair (I suppose wondering why my car and I wouldn't dissapear into thin air so you could continue over), and you sweved three lanes over to the "on-ramp". I thought you were finally a thing of the past. I thought wrong. I guess the far RIGHT lane didn't work out for you either, because two minutes later, you were behind me again. I guess I should rephrase that. You were practically in my backseat!
Newsflash...if I can see and count the hair on your upper lip in my rearview mirror, you are TOO CLOSE! (Not to mention you could use a wax-job).
Finally, you found a hole and got by. I watched you about a quarter of a mile ahead, bobbing and weaving and near-missing about fifteen to twenty other cars. The sea of red brakelights in your wake was a testement to how awful you were truly driving.
Well, little miss, here's something to think about. Judging by your blatant disregard for human safety, you've never thought about it before.
I am somebody's mother. I have a daughter who depends on me, and loves me, and looks up to me, and NEEDS me. I am somebody's wife. I am somebody's sister, somebody's daughter, and somebody's friend. Someday soon, I will be a nurse, and then I will be somebody's chance for hope. And I am not alone. Everyday, you share that same highway with thousands of people. Thousands of people who are also somebody's everything.
What gives you the right to get in your car, and drive with reckless abandon, not to mention, in the blinding Westward sunlight of a four to five lane highway?
What gives you the right to endanger so many lives? I am infuriated at your audacity. I am scared that I, or someone I love, might have to share the road with you again some day soon.
There is no need to drive like that. Again, I don't know who you are, or who you THINK you are, but if you need to get somewhere so badly, LEAVE EARLIER and respect others while you're driving.
So many people have so much to lose as a result of your careless behavior....
Saturday, September 27, 2008
After a while...Veronica Shoffstall
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Anywhere but here
Today is just one of those days where I wish I was anywhere else. It's a dreary, rainy, cool day. Not that this is any differen't from any other day at work, since there are no windows in my office--but it just FEELS different. I know it's rainy and dreary, and there are so many places I'd rather be. So many scenarios sound so much more soothing than sitting here, trudging through the rest of this day.
I do like my job. However, we have been through THREE crazy receptionists in the past six months (maybe less). The third one left last week, so that leaves Laura and myself to do our own work (of which there is plenty), and another person's job as well. It's just TIRING!
So...what would I like to be doing right now?
I was thinking earlier that today would be the PERFECT day to get into my PJs, under an electric blanket, and watch movies on the couch.
But you know what? I thought about that some more, and realized that today would have been a perfect mommy-Kaydie day. We could have done so many different things. We could have played games, had breakfast, watched Yo Gabba Gabba, went for a walk at the mall and people-watched, visited the indoor playground or the indoor pool, gone to story time and Barnes and Noble...
I know how lucky she is to be taken care of by her Grandmother. I know she's probably done one of those several things right now...I just wish I could be doing them with her.
That brings me to my next point, as far-fetched as it may be. I really think that to some extent, being a stay-at-home-mom (or dad for that matter) should be a paying job so that more people could do it. Isn't there something to say for the relationships children form with their mothers and fathers when they spend the greater part of the day with one another? I just feel that if more children spent all day getting unconditional love from their parents, maybe they wouldn't be so apt to discover the roughness of life at such a long age. Maybe they could retain their innocence a little longer. Complete strangers get paid to take care of our children...why can't we?
I guess I also have a hard time knowing that even if it is her Grandma, someone else is hearing her laugh, and someone else is wiping away her tears, and someone else is holding her and hugging her while I trudge through the day here at work...
Gosh, why am I so emotional!
I do like my job. However, we have been through THREE crazy receptionists in the past six months (maybe less). The third one left last week, so that leaves Laura and myself to do our own work (of which there is plenty), and another person's job as well. It's just TIRING!
So...what would I like to be doing right now?
I was thinking earlier that today would be the PERFECT day to get into my PJs, under an electric blanket, and watch movies on the couch.
But you know what? I thought about that some more, and realized that today would have been a perfect mommy-Kaydie day. We could have done so many different things. We could have played games, had breakfast, watched Yo Gabba Gabba, went for a walk at the mall and people-watched, visited the indoor playground or the indoor pool, gone to story time and Barnes and Noble...
I know how lucky she is to be taken care of by her Grandmother. I know she's probably done one of those several things right now...I just wish I could be doing them with her.
That brings me to my next point, as far-fetched as it may be. I really think that to some extent, being a stay-at-home-mom (or dad for that matter) should be a paying job so that more people could do it. Isn't there something to say for the relationships children form with their mothers and fathers when they spend the greater part of the day with one another? I just feel that if more children spent all day getting unconditional love from their parents, maybe they wouldn't be so apt to discover the roughness of life at such a long age. Maybe they could retain their innocence a little longer. Complete strangers get paid to take care of our children...why can't we?
I guess I also have a hard time knowing that even if it is her Grandma, someone else is hearing her laugh, and someone else is wiping away her tears, and someone else is holding her and hugging her while I trudge through the day here at work...
Gosh, why am I so emotional!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The hardest thing...
This past weekend was the bachelorette party of one of my good friends in Atlantic City. This meant a weekend away from Kaydence. I've only been away from her overnight twice, but never for two nights at once.
The bachelorette party was fun ,but I just missed my daughter. It wasn't like I was out with other married women with children who could empathize, either. (These are my best friends...bridesmaids, and college roommates. They're all still single though, and don't have children). It's really hard to verbalize how much you can miss your child...you just FEEL it. I'm sure other parents "get it" but I just can't explain an ache that I don't have words for...
It was just the random times that I thought of her that got to me. For one, at her bedtime, I was sad that I wasn't in there doing our nighttime silly routine, tickling her feet and making her laugh. In the middle of the night I woke up looking for the baby monitor like I always do. In the morning I just wanted to go in and see her stand up, stretch out her arms, and say "Mommy!" like she always does.
The killer, though, was Sunday morning. On the way back with the girls, we stopped for breakfast. I swear, it was toddler day. I was walking to the restroom, and I saw all of the babies, and one little girl in particular in a highchair with the same white-blonde hair as Kaydie...and I just lost it. I teared up and started to cry because I just wanted to hold my little girl.
I mean, of course we all need some time away to ourselves. I miss my girlfriends dearly, and enjoyed every minute with them. I guess I just never realized how strong of a bond and attachment you get with a child when that child is yours. It makes you rethink your decisions almost daily. I'm still the same person, but I've got a whole new realm of concerns. Maybe I'm a bit more reserved. I do know for sure that I play things a little safer when I'm on my own. I think of her before myself, without even realizing it. I will do anything possible to ensure that I get home safely to her. That's what is most important to me now. She has opened up a whole new life to me. I just hope all of my friends get to experience this kind of love, and one day they will know what I'm talking about.
The bachelorette party was fun ,but I just missed my daughter. It wasn't like I was out with other married women with children who could empathize, either. (These are my best friends...bridesmaids, and college roommates. They're all still single though, and don't have children). It's really hard to verbalize how much you can miss your child...you just FEEL it. I'm sure other parents "get it" but I just can't explain an ache that I don't have words for...
It was just the random times that I thought of her that got to me. For one, at her bedtime, I was sad that I wasn't in there doing our nighttime silly routine, tickling her feet and making her laugh. In the middle of the night I woke up looking for the baby monitor like I always do. In the morning I just wanted to go in and see her stand up, stretch out her arms, and say "Mommy!" like she always does.
The killer, though, was Sunday morning. On the way back with the girls, we stopped for breakfast. I swear, it was toddler day. I was walking to the restroom, and I saw all of the babies, and one little girl in particular in a highchair with the same white-blonde hair as Kaydie...and I just lost it. I teared up and started to cry because I just wanted to hold my little girl.
I mean, of course we all need some time away to ourselves. I miss my girlfriends dearly, and enjoyed every minute with them. I guess I just never realized how strong of a bond and attachment you get with a child when that child is yours. It makes you rethink your decisions almost daily. I'm still the same person, but I've got a whole new realm of concerns. Maybe I'm a bit more reserved. I do know for sure that I play things a little safer when I'm on my own. I think of her before myself, without even realizing it. I will do anything possible to ensure that I get home safely to her. That's what is most important to me now. She has opened up a whole new life to me. I just hope all of my friends get to experience this kind of love, and one day they will know what I'm talking about.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Finger Painting and Crayons
As I was walking around Target today (just once today...be proud!), I was thinking about some new activities to try with Kaydence. Dave and I both aggreed that fingerpainting might be fun. We looked through all of the art supplies, and remembered that Crayola had a set where the colors of the fingerpaint only show up on special paper. For all intents and purposes, the "paint" is clear, but when the child touches the paper, the designated color shows up! We snatched that up, and some big crayons.
All in all, it went pretty well. At first she was more interested in digging her fingers into the paints and getting huge globs, but eventually she got interested in smearing it on the paper and seeing the color come up. We probably did it for 20 minutes or so, which I figure is pretty good to keep a 14-month-old on task. I would DEFINITELY recommend this set to other parents with toddlers who want to explore their child's creative side with them, but don't want to spend the better part of the afternoon cleaning up the aftermath! :-)
All in all, it went pretty well. At first she was more interested in digging her fingers into the paints and getting huge globs, but eventually she got interested in smearing it on the paper and seeing the color come up. We probably did it for 20 minutes or so, which I figure is pretty good to keep a 14-month-old on task. I would DEFINITELY recommend this set to other parents with toddlers who want to explore their child's creative side with them, but don't want to spend the better part of the afternoon cleaning up the aftermath! :-)
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